I wanna fall out of love

It has been long, very long since I've fallen for someone.

A guy who smokes n drinks n loves to have fun. I love his childishness, his frankness, his diligence, his arrogance, his silliness, his shyness...

I wish to stop loving him. I know I love him more than he does.

Fear of getting hurt, fear of losing him.

I'm falling in a love without faith

I'm very puzzled with people who can love like the world is theirs. Do they really know the person they are with or going to live together for life? What if their unknown characters are revealed only after marriage, can they accept? Are they prepared to take care of them if they were to be disabled later in life?

I don't believe in BG love, besides family love. I see it as an unnecessarily thingy in life. Perhaps because I don't trust guys. They always go for looks and lust. It tough for me to see a guy's sincerity. But I like them as friends. They can be really nice pals - forthcoming and pragmatic.

Though decided not to get involved in relationships, which I never (officially) had before, subconciously I yearn for one. I'm like a goldfish in a sealed tank where the cats could not get me. I enjoy couples of attention from eligible guys but I avoid communicating with them as deeper understanding in each other will make the heart "move". I'll step back when they start showing interests in me. I know, I'm bad and fickle-minded however, I'm not pretentious, in the sense that they won't see the "perfect" me only.

A colleague of mine has acted some keenness in me. I shunned and treated him quite hostilely. I felt bad whenever he showed a despondent face. Thus, I compensated with some amiable interactions. Apparently, he is not a bad guy to other colleagues and friends. I just couldn't accept the physical proximity he wanna have with me. Know that some girls do have leeways, I prefer to communicate verbally with him. Well, as this happened sometime back, I've forgiven him for that; he didn't know. Since then, I decided to keep a distance from him, in a natural way. And to keep a distance away implies I'll have to take note of him. I've lost count on the no. of times he observes and gazes at me in the office (I feel uneasy yet need to behave unaffectedly - lethargic).

Lately, I've started to admire his forthrightness and pragmatic attitude. Knowing my heart has moved, I've been trying to grab it still. At times I almost wanna to let it fly, felt like confronting him for the truth. But pessimism stopped me; images of broken relationships and marriage halted my thoughts. On the other hand, pictures of wonderous courtship succumbed the negatives.

I can't make the first move, just couldn't. I tried to convince myself to live in the present and not guess about the happenings in the future, FAILED. I'm able to accept failures in other stuff but I've strong phobia in relationship. I need courage and faith and time. I'm confused.

How I wish he is able to understand how I feel.

Vipassana @ St. John's Island - Part II

I used to think meditation was just to sit and be attentive to your breath. Apparently now, it is so much more than that!

The gist discovery from the 10-days retreat was to feel the sensation that may arise in our body at any moment. We have to be aware of the feelings that surface, observe it, know what type of sensation that was until it passed away gradually. If unwholesome thoughts arise, same application: observe and detach yourself from those thoughts. Slowly, it will fade away.

I was rather slow on my first attempt to feel the breath under my nostrils. I just couldn't find my nose with the eyes closed thus I began to visualise my nose. Then, upon clarification with the teacher, I was wrong to visualise. I am required to feel the breath only. One of the students, my sleeping neighbour, was smart to touch her nose for that attempt. Like me, she couldn't feel her breath. So she touched her nose to locate it and gleefully began sensing her breath. Isn't her an alec? I felt stupid then.

At every stage, we would be invited to a group interview with our teacher. Teacher would query if we felt anything and the sensation observed. As most students could feel what sensation arose from the breathing stage, I said, "nothing, no sensation." Doink! I could see Teacher was taken a little back. She then asked if I knew what sensation was. "Hot, cold, numb, itch.." Feeling embarrassed and dumb, I learnt what were the sensation we need to observe then.

Subsequently, we commenced noting every sensation that arose from head to toes. It was very strenuous initially. My head felt so heavy and was exhausted before reaching the lower part of my body. Teacher then pointed out that I was too tense, ought to relax. Luckily, I was able to catch up in the end, albeit feeling frustrated and stress at some point. And ya, we must not expect any positive or desired results from meditating. Everyone has different sensation. Therefore, just observe and aware of the present moment.

One of the amazing thing vipassana could assist is to allow hidden feelings or sensation to surface. It can be suppressed anger, stress, unhappiness and so on. I heard from a friend that one student cried during the meditation. Guess past negative memories of hers had arose to mind that ignited her hidden senses. Vipassana also help us realise every sensation is a transient feeling. It always arise and passes off. Thus, one should not cling to happiness, satisfaction, anger, jealousy, hatred and whatever feelings. One ought to learn to detach ourselves from it.

I had asked Teacher, "Will one become an unfeeling animal since we should feel nothing on anything?" Because at times I found myself having no response on things which others do. She said, "One may act towards something that will not harm or create any unwholesome consequences to others and ourselves. But we should learn not react to it. React and act are two different things." Chim right. I feel so. Believe it takes time to differentiate these two terms. I also queried if one should not have expectations in life. She replied we can have but should not be attached to the expectations and its results. For this, I understood. Nothing belongs to us in the end. We should take things easy.

I discovered people around me are more sensitive over their own feelings than I do after this retreat. They can be wonderful vipa practitioners thus I'm trying hard to introduce to potential friends. I'm more aware towards my feelings now. I'm not that blur as before. As mentioned, I've been living in the past bad memories. Now, I must be present at the very moment! Sad to confess, I didn't practice day and night as advised by Mr Goenka. No time... I know, is an excuse. I promise I will try to do it after my final semester exam coming october.

Vipassana @ St. John's Island - Part I

Only after this retreat did I realized I’ve been living in the past for ten over years. And the past was amassed with many unhappy events. Previously, even though the image I projected to others was mostly happy-go-lucky, I was no less pessimistic than a depression patient. Well, it’s all because I kept dwelling on sorrows which I experienced at a tender age (thou I didn’t understand what was happening, I knew I always wore a sad face that even my teacher asked me to smile more), especially on my family matters. I believed the awful relationship of my parents brought most of the melancholy atmosphere at home and impacted me greatly. Eventually, the habit of reminiscing bad memories was inculcated. The more I dwell in it, the more sad I’d become and I cried easily. Thus, I chose to ignore any negative feelings that arose in order to spend each moment happily (I believe despondency is contagious). Thereon, whenever I sense unhappiness, reluctance, distress etc, I’d focus on things I enjoy. Thus, I’d be proud to say that I’m a ‘good accommodater’. But it was when I started working, I noticed I began to have expectations from my family: I wanted them to do the way I felt was correct. It created misery. I was wrong, to be self-centred.

Then, couple of years back, I returned to my rosary after sojourning since my teens. No idea what brought me back, I’m truly grateful for the growing interest in finding the truth of my life. Gradually, I’ve been participating retreats, not many but very influential, including this one, Vipassana. Dad had taught us meditation during younger days i.e. to focus on an object, the ‘cross-junction’ of the floor tiles, or our breathing. We would never be able to sit still for an hour then. I’d dragged myself to listen to dad and sit there so unwillingly. Yet, I was pretty interested in staring on the floor. Lol... probably anticipating something might happen by staring! Well, I seldom did well with breathing because it was rather boring to close my eyes and feel the breath and you know, in the end... zzz...

Hmm, not bad after all. Recalling some interesting stuff without feeling an inch of sadness. Okie, continue with the vital part some other day.

No regrets with the past; no worries about the future; having peace with the present - Happiness

New Job

Suppose to blog about my Vipa retreat at St. John Island. But am exhausted after commenting in STOMP. Just a couple of updates on me...

I went for an interview last Saturday as a tax assistant in a CPA firm. It's the most stringent firm I've ever met.
'First half year, no annual leave(AL) to be taken. 5.5-day work week.'
Busy period for CPA firm as companies' accounts need to be audited for reporting. So does tax reporting.

'Second half year, 5-day work week. AL can be applied.'
What if I needed to go overseas for hols for countries which are advisable to visit only in the first half year? This is then pointless.

'ACCA exam's leave is granted instantaneously. Australian degree exam's leave has to be discussed before permitting.'
Bias, prejudice, belittling overseas degree holder. Practical world.

'Discourage workers to leave on the dot even you have completed your day's work. Hope to stay another fifteen minutes more.'
I don't see any point in staying couple of minutes more when you've done your job for the day. It's self-assurance, self-deceiving.

I feel that they are prepared to confirm my application. Although I disagree with some points above, I can accept it, for the sake of learning. They provide a excellent working ground for new tax personnel. They want people who have sincere interest with tax. I regretted stating the lowest salary I'll accept - $1,700 (Expect $1,900). Arrgghhh!

Hopefully everything will turn out well. Sent metta to them this morning.

Blessings

Just completed another Om retreat at KMS. It's a short one, 3-days. Regardless of this short period, I've gain more knowledge on practicing the mantra. I also met a couple of my Vipa-retreat friends there. This makes me feel so much cosier n warmer, like a gathering. We also did a dedication prayer for the victims at Yokyagarta earthquake where more than 6000 people perished.

This recitation was led by His Holiness Kyabje Trulshik Rinpoche, from the Nyingma tradition. Though is taught by a different sect of tibetan buddhism, they all impart the same qualities of teachings. Should anyone be confused that he will be under Nyingma sect once he received their teachings, I believe it doesn't really matter. They are all words from the Buddha. But I prefer to practice a mantra or two. Not too many. It'll confusing then.. hahaa.. Bcos the meaning and teachings of a mantra is vast. It covers most aspects of the virtues and qualities that the Buddha wanna impart.

Since young, Dad has taught many different mantras to chant for each has its individual meaning. It was till 2004 when I decided to practice faithfully on Avalokiteshvara's mantra. Why? When I was in primary school, I've watched a movie on Chenrezig. He was a female in this movie, called Miao Shan. I've always remembered how she sacrificed herself to save her cruel n womanising father, emperor as well . Not grudging on her father's bad character, she was so willing to dig her eyes n chop off her arms to save her father from a strange illness. In the end, she became a thousand eyes and arms Avalokiteshvara. I am touched by her filial piety. And since she could do that for such a wicked man, the more she would do for other beings. And ya, this is what motivated me to know more about Chenrezig and his practice. I've learnt that no matter how bad the other person is, he should have a chance to turn over a new leaf. If only we are able to offer him chances n assist him to climb over the wall. All will ends well.

The next piece of news is I've cleared my papers which I've been worrying! The weirdest thing is I've scored the same marks for all the 3 papers - 62. I was thinking this morning if Buddha actually helped me to adjust the marks. I couldn't believe e paper-Ethics, which I should flop would derive such high grade. Now analysing, Buddha wouldn't do such a thing. That'll be cheating. No no... Buddha would not do that. So, was I blessed or do I really did it with my ability? Anyway, my 3 of my friends failed Ethics. 1 of them was even a repeater, ie. his 2nd attempt. I actually did pray for them as well but... no idea leh.

A Big Problem

My sister.
Her first relationship with her bf makes my whole family worry for her. They are together for a year plus now. She seems to trust very much in her bf. We feel that they're an incompatible pair, in terms of age, mentality & character. But is her choice & if we force them to breakup, she might blame us. The present situation makes me even worrier. She kept visiting his house whereas he didn't even stay in our house for more than half an hour, and that was the last time. Although my dad dislike him in apparent, he should take initiative to show his sincerity that he really loves my sis; the more he should frequent our house. In future, if they were to get married, I'm afraid my parents may lose a daughter. And I'll not be having a sister which I once adore so much... I hate to see my sis being controlled by some stranger. Yes, a stranger whom we've no chance to understand. All I can do is to give pointers now & then. And also dedicate merits to her. The rest she has to look out for herself.

I'll be away from 10th to 21st May. Participating in Vipassana retreat at St. John's Island. Hope to share some nice experience when I'm back.