Well Beings

I wanna fall out of love

2010-01-02T16:00:00.002+08:00

It has been long, very long since I've fallen for someone.

A guy who smokes n drinks n loves to have fun. I love his childishness, his frankness, his diligence, his arrogance, his silliness, his shyness...

I wish to stop loving him. I know I love him more than he does.

Fear of getting hurt, fear of losing him.

I'm falling in a love without faith

2006-10-07T21:45:00.000+08:00

I'm very puzzled with people who can love like the world is theirs. Do they really know the person they are with or going to live together for life? What if their unknown characters are revealed only after marriage, can they accept? Are they prepared to take care of them if they were to be disabled later in life?

I don't believe in BG love, besides family love. I see it as an unnecessarily thingy in life. Perhaps because I don't trust guys. They always go for looks and lust. It tough for me to see a guy's sincerity. But I like them as friends. They can be really nice pals - forthcoming and pragmatic.

Though decided not to get involved in relationships, which I never (officially) had before, subconciously I yearn for one. I'm like a goldfish in a sealed tank where the cats could not get me. I enjoy couples of attention from eligible guys but I avoid communicating with them as deeper understanding in each other will make the heart "move". I'll step back when they start showing interests in me. I know, I'm bad and fickle-minded however, I'm not pretentious, in the sense that they won't see the "perfect" me only.

A colleague of mine has acted some keenness in me. I shunned and treated him quite hostilely. I felt bad whenever he showed a despondent face. Thus, I compensated with some amiable interactions. Apparently, he is not a bad guy to other colleagues and friends. I just couldn't accept the physical proximity he wanna have with me. Know that some girls do have leeways, I prefer to communicate verbally with him. Well, as this happened sometime back, I've forgiven him for that; he didn't know. Since then, I decided to keep a distance from him, in a natural way. And to keep a distance away implies I'll have to take note of him. I've lost count on the no. of times he observes and gazes at me in the office (I feel uneasy yet need to behave unaffectedly - lethargic).

Lately, I've started to admire his forthrightness and pragmatic attitude. Knowing my heart has moved, I've been trying to grab it still. At times I almost wanna to let it fly, felt like confronting him for the truth. But pessimism stopped me; images of broken relationships and marriage halted my thoughts. On the other hand, pictures of wonderous courtship succumbed the negatives.

I can't make the first move, just couldn't. I tried to convince myself to live in the present and not guess about the happenings in the future, FAILED. I'm able to accept failures in other stuff but I've strong phobia in relationship. I need courage and faith and time. I'm confused.

How I wish he is able to understand how I feel.

Vipassana @ St. John's Island - Part II

2006-09-17T20:00:00.000+08:00

I used to think meditation was just to sit and be attentive to your breath. Apparently now, it is so much more than that!

The gist discovery from the 10-days retreat was to feel the sensation that may arise in our body at any moment. We have to be aware of the feelings that surface, observe it, know what type of sensation that was until it passed away gradually. If unwholesome thoughts arise, same application: observe and detach yourself from those thoughts. Slowly, it will fade away.

I was rather slow on my first attempt to feel the breath under my nostrils. I just couldn't find my nose with the eyes closed thus I began to visualise my nose. Then, upon clarification with the teacher, I was wrong to visualise. I am required to feel the breath only. One of the students, my sleeping neighbour, was smart to touch her nose for that attempt. Like me, she couldn't feel her breath. So she touched her nose to locate it and gleefully began sensing her breath. Isn't her an alec? I felt stupid then.

At every stage, we would be invited to a group interview with our teacher. Teacher would query if we felt anything and the sensation observed. As most students could feel what sensation arose from the breathing stage, I said, "nothing, no sensation." Doink! I could see Teacher was taken a little back. She then asked if I knew what sensation was. "Hot, cold, numb, itch.." Feeling embarrassed and dumb, I learnt what were the sensation we need to observe then.

Subsequently, we commenced noting every sensation that arose from head to toes. It was very strenuous initially. My head felt so heavy and was exhausted before reaching the lower part of my body. Teacher then pointed out that I was too tense, ought to relax. Luckily, I was able to catch up in the end, albeit feeling frustrated and stress at some point. And ya, we must not expect any positive or desired results from meditating. Everyone has different sensation. Therefore, just observe and aware of the present moment.

One of the amazing thing vipassana could assist is to allow hidden feelings or sensation to surface. It can be suppressed anger, stress, unhappiness and so on. I heard from a friend that one student cried during the meditation. Guess past negative memories of hers had arose to mind that ignited her hidden senses. Vipassana also help us realise every sensation is a transient feeling. It always arise and passes off. Thus, one should not cling to happiness, satisfaction, anger, jealousy, hatred and whatever feelings. One ought to learn to detach ourselves from it.

I had asked Teacher, "Will one become an unfeeling animal since we should feel nothing on anything?" Because at times I found myself having no response on things which others do. She said, "One may act towards something that will not harm or create any unwholesome consequences to others and ourselves. But we should learn not react to it. React and act are two different things." Chim right. I feel so. Believe it takes time to differentiate these two terms. I also queried if one should not have expectations in life. She replied we can have but should not be attached to the expectations and its results. For this, I understood. Nothing belongs to us in the end. We should take things easy.

I discovered people around me are more sensitive over their own feelings than I do after this retreat. They can be wonderful vipa practitioners thus I'm trying hard to introduce to potential friends. I'm more aware towards my feelings now. I'm not that blur as before. As mentioned, I've been living in the past bad memories. Now, I must be present at the very moment! Sad to confess, I didn't practice day and night as advised by Mr Goenka. No time... I know, is an excuse. I promise I will try to do it after my final semester exam coming october.

Vipassana @ St. John's Island - Part I

2006-07-17T23:40:00.000+08:00

Only after this retreat did I realized I’ve been living in the past for ten over years. And the past was amassed with many unhappy events. Previously, even though the image I projected to others was mostly happy-go-lucky, I was no less pessimistic than a depression patient. Well, it’s all because I kept dwelling on sorrows which I experienced at a tender age (thou I didn’t understand what was happening, I knew I always wore a sad face that even my teacher asked me to smile more), especially on my family matters. I believed the awful relationship of my parents brought most of the melancholy atmosphere at home and impacted me greatly. Eventually, the habit of reminiscing bad memories was inculcated. The more I dwell in it, the more sad I’d become and I cried easily. Thus, I chose to ignore any negative feelings that arose in order to spend each moment happily (I believe despondency is contagious). Thereon, whenever I sense unhappiness, reluctance, distress etc, I’d focus on things I enjoy. Thus, I’d be proud to say that I’m a ‘good accommodater’. But it was when I started working, I noticed I began to have expectations from my family: I wanted them to do the way I felt was correct. It created misery. I was wrong, to be self-centred.

Then, couple of years back, I returned to my rosary after sojourning since my teens. No idea what brought me back, I’m truly grateful for the growing interest in finding the truth of my life. Gradually, I’ve been participating retreats, not many but very influential, including this one, Vipassana. Dad had taught us meditation during younger days i.e. to focus on an object, the ‘cross-junction’ of the floor tiles, or our breathing. We would never be able to sit still for an hour then. I’d dragged myself to listen to dad and sit there so unwillingly. Yet, I was pretty interested in staring on the floor. Lol... probably anticipating something might happen by staring! Well, I seldom did well with breathing because it was rather boring to close my eyes and feel the breath and you know, in the end... zzz...

Hmm, not bad after all. Recalling some interesting stuff without feeling an inch of sadness. Okie, continue with the vital part some other day.

No regrets with the past; no worries about the future; having peace with the present - Happiness

New Job

2006-06-25T12:58:00.000+08:00

Suppose to blog about my Vipa retreat at St. John Island. But am exhausted after commenting in STOMP. Just a couple of updates on me...

I went for an interview last Saturday as a tax assistant in a CPA firm. It's the most stringent firm I've ever met.
'First half year, no annual leave(AL) to be taken. 5.5-day work week.'
Busy period for CPA firm as companies' accounts need to be audited for reporting. So does tax reporting.

'Second half year, 5-day work week. AL can be applied.'
What if I needed to go overseas for hols for countries which are advisable to visit only in the first half year? This is then pointless.

'ACCA exam's leave is granted instantaneously. Australian degree exam's leave has to be discussed before permitting.'
Bias, prejudice, belittling overseas degree holder. Practical world.

'Discourage workers to leave on the dot even you have completed your day's work. Hope to stay another fifteen minutes more.'
I don't see any point in staying couple of minutes more when you've done your job for the day. It's self-assurance, self-deceiving.

I feel that they are prepared to confirm my application. Although I disagree with some points above, I can accept it, for the sake of learning. They provide a excellent working ground for new tax personnel. They want people who have sincere interest with tax. I regretted stating the lowest salary I'll accept - $1,700 (Expect $1,900). Arrgghhh!

Hopefully everything will turn out well. Sent metta to them this morning.

Blessings

2006-06-12T15:24:00.000+08:00

Just completed another Om retreat at KMS. It's a short one, 3-days. Regardless of this short period, I've gain more knowledge on practicing the mantra. I also met a couple of my Vipa-retreat friends there. This makes me feel so much cosier n warmer, like a gathering. We also did a dedication prayer for the victims at Yokyagarta earthquake where more than 6000 people perished.

This recitation was led by His Holiness Kyabje Trulshik Rinpoche, from the Nyingma tradition. Though is taught by a different sect of tibetan buddhism, they all impart the same qualities of teachings. Should anyone be confused that he will be under Nyingma sect once he received their teachings, I believe it doesn't really matter. They are all words from the Buddha. But I prefer to practice a mantra or two. Not too many. It'll confusing then.. hahaa.. Bcos the meaning and teachings of a mantra is vast. It covers most aspects of the virtues and qualities that the Buddha wanna impart.

Since young, Dad has taught many different mantras to chant for each has its individual meaning. It was till 2004 when I decided to practice faithfully on Avalokiteshvara's mantra. Why? When I was in primary school, I've watched a movie on Chenrezig. He was a female in this movie, called Miao Shan. I've always remembered how she sacrificed herself to save her cruel n womanising father, emperor as well . Not grudging on her father's bad character, she was so willing to dig her eyes n chop off her arms to save her father from a strange illness. In the end, she became a thousand eyes and arms Avalokiteshvara. I am touched by her filial piety. And since she could do that for such a wicked man, the more she would do for other beings. And ya, this is what motivated me to know more about Chenrezig and his practice. I've learnt that no matter how bad the other person is, he should have a chance to turn over a new leaf. If only we are able to offer him chances n assist him to climb over the wall. All will ends well.

The next piece of news is I've cleared my papers which I've been worrying! The weirdest thing is I've scored the same marks for all the 3 papers - 62. I was thinking this morning if Buddha actually helped me to adjust the marks. I couldn't believe e paper-Ethics, which I should flop would derive such high grade. Now analysing, Buddha wouldn't do such a thing. That'll be cheating. No no... Buddha would not do that. So, was I blessed or do I really did it with my ability? Anyway, my 3 of my friends failed Ethics. 1 of them was even a repeater, ie. his 2nd attempt. I actually did pray for them as well but... no idea leh.

A Big Problem

2006-05-08T13:29:00.000+08:00

My sister.
Her first relationship with her bf makes my whole family worry for her. They are together for a year plus now. She seems to trust very much in her bf. We feel that they're an incompatible pair, in terms of age, mentality & character. But is her choice & if we force them to breakup, she might blame us. The present situation makes me even worrier. She kept visiting his house whereas he didn't even stay in our house for more than half an hour, and that was the last time. Although my dad dislike him in apparent, he should take initiative to show his sincerity that he really loves my sis; the more he should frequent our house. In future, if they were to get married, I'm afraid my parents may lose a daughter. And I'll not be having a sister which I once adore so much... I hate to see my sis being controlled by some stranger. Yes, a stranger whom we've no chance to understand. All I can do is to give pointers now & then. And also dedicate merits to her. The rest she has to look out for herself.

I'll be away from 10th to 21st May. Participating in Vipassana retreat at St. John's Island. Hope to share some nice experience when I'm back.

End of semester

2006-05-04T13:16:00.000+08:00

This is the worst exams I’ve ever taken. I’ve never been so unprepared; unprepared in the sense that I didn’t really study with heart. I don’t feel the anxiety which normally I will. Lesser and lesser hours were spent on books as time gone by. Now, just to wait for what I’ve sow to reap in June (the survivor of 2 out of 3 modules were uncertain).

In the midst of the preparation of my exams, I kept myself motivated. I must not give up this degree thou I’ve planned another path to take. I must walk till the end of this route before conquering a new step of the other. It’ll be irresponsible of me to thrust aside an unfinished 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle for a 4000-piece one. This might led me to give up things which I’m pursuing halfway just bcos of my impatience & blasé attitude. Arrrgghh... I don’t wanna fritter away the effort I’ve built in the 700 pieces. I dislike someone like this.

In any case, I feel I’m not cut out to be a good accountant. I hate to write reports & poor in analysis. However, I don’t mind the work in the accounting or finance field. Or probably I’ve not encounter a complex duty. I’ve actually planned to work a year or two in the Big Four before commencing my nursing course. Yeah.. that’s my final destination; to serve the sick & make them better. But I’ve my worries. Does the personality of an accounts officer correspond with a nurse? I don’t treat numbers as sincere as I do towards human; I don’t strive to score perfect numbers but I do ensure my loved ones are well-taken care of; I don’t feel accountable if my numbers can’t tie yet I’ll suffer guilt or distress if my loved ones are suffering. Most importantly, I’ll have to start all over again in order to walk the desired path... time.

Wisdom is capable of putting you in a situation of non-contradiction whereas there would be contradiction if you did not have wisdom. The main one is the...

Wisdom realizing Emptiness.

Mani Retreat (25th – 31st Dec 2005)

2006-01-14T16:00:00.000+08:00

First time in my life I’ve recited so many times of mantra in a day at this 7-days retreat at Kong Meng San Phor Kark See Monastery (Normally I’d do 20 rounds the most). This annual mantra reciting event, held since 2001, was led by an enlightened guru (His Eminence Drubwang Rinpoche) from Tibet, accompanied by 12 of his disciples. He is 84 years old. 7 days of his precious teachings awakened my restless mind; probably awaken the other thousand participants as well, including foreigners. It was also my first time knowing lamas are actually same as us, the commoners. I used to think that lamas are serious people as most I met are like that (cos perhaps it was just an instance). They are no doubt, very ethical n polite. Yet they do joke n chat with people around them, thru my observation for 7 days (hee.. I’m blessed to have the chance to tease one of the junior rinpoche). I believe e difference lies on the state of our minds. Their heart doesn’t move thou had conversed with e participants. But our heart n feelings are satisfied for that we managed to interact with learned people, we feel happy n glad. Well, at least for me, if not others..lol.

More so, this retreat has enriched my knowledge on Buddhism n true nature of this transient life. It has impacted me so positively that I’ve decided to be a vegetarian for the rest of my life. It taught me that time is truly precious n we should not waste time on doing meaningless things that can’t be brought with us to the deathbed. Don’t take minute happenings for granted but be appreciative for every little thought. Every thing is impermanent. So one should not get cling onto whatever happiness or unpleasant feeling encountered. Treat anything with a neutral mind n eventually, our heart will be at peace. Practice makes perfect.

And I’ve met up with a nice-looking young german chap. It was his second time joining this retreat. He’s currently taking a 4-year Buddhist studies in Nepal, for 2 years as at now. Out of deep curiosity which I’ve reserved for the past six days, I finally asked him how he got to know this religion.
“My father. He has researched couples of different religions and has been convinced with this,” he said.
“2 years ago, when old Rinpoche gave talk in Europe, my whole family went and I’ve been brainwashed since then.”
After our conversation, I was impressed as his knowledge is greater than most Buddhists, for that Buddhism can seldom be found in Europe. He has been a vegetarian for past 5 years n he’s one of the reasons that turned me on being a vegan.

I’m so thankful for the opportunity in attending such great event. It's a turning point of my life. I’ll be back this year-end. Retreats are wonderful! However, old Rinpoche might not turn up this year due to his age n health. Thus, I’m blessed for being able to get so close to him once. It’s certainly a lifetime chance. Good karma i guess. (^U^)

If u want to be happy, practice compassion, even to the tiniest living beings;
If u want to be happy, practice selflessness;
If u want to be happy, have a peace of mind.

~ Om Mani Pad Me Hung ~

First Last Now

2005-12-09T16:22:00.000+08:00

~ taken from BGB ~

fIRST
First job: admin asst w a Japanese mfg co at age 16.
First screen name: Nal (short for nalene, my creation n didn’t see anyone using e same name as yet. my diary was named after it).
First funeral: my beloved grandma
First pet: none. love to see adorable ones like hamsters n dogs but they’ll suffer w me.
First piercing: on my ears, it hurt a tad.
First tattoo: none, not necessary.
First credit card: I don’t like it. I’ve a debit instead.
First kiss: my mom, no idea where she kissed when I’m born. somewhere on my face I suppose.
First enemy: myself, when I did badly w e exams which I’d high expectations on.

lAST
Last car ride: a fren’s - nov 26th; a cab - e one I took to e interview at the Sweden MNC.
Last kiss: my sis
Last movie watched: in oct.. The Myths, Jackie Chan’s film.
Last beverage drank: avocado juice, loving it.
Last phone call: To: From: Carine, my job agent. I’ve landed w a temp job fm her just.
Last time showered: last night
Last CD played: piano ballads
Last website visited: shinticre.blogspot.com
Last Book Read: on-going still – Living History, Hillary Clinton

nOW
Single or taken: single
Gender: a lady
Birthday: aug
Sign: leo
Siblings: younger sis, margaret
Hair color: originally is black, was dyed w light reddish copper. hum.. my hair’s too black n e color Is visible only under light.
Eye color: dark brown to black
Wearing: t-shirt n shorts
Drinking: h2o
Thinking about: a meeting w my galfren this evening n my new temp job startg next tues!
Listening to: The Best of Nicholas Gunn (new age)
Looking at: news articles

It's broken

2005-12-08T00:04:00.000+08:00

Yeah.. the promise, as declared in my previous post, is not kept. I initiated e conversation. I worried I'll lose a friend. And ya.. I'm not a confident person; inferior at times... so....

Pride cost nothing. In life, a worthy friend is something.

Death Penalty - is it unnecessary...unwelcomed

2005-12-05T12:24:00.000+08:00

It is known internationally that there is death penalty in Singapore for drug trafficking, at least for now, if not previously. And there has been a debate everywhere. Inevitably, some Australians will start boycotting Singapore, be it our goods & services, our people, etc. Already, I've seen some bloggers swearing at Singapore. And reports saying drug-traffickers should avoid Asian countries as they'll have to face serious consequences if caught. Does that indicate it is not a serious offence to smuggle drugs around the world? They are forgivable for an act which they literally know it meant to harm people? Perhaps they did it out of their folly moment & we should pardon them, at least for once. It might be so for individuals. But as a nation, it's govern by laws. Anyone who breaks the law has to accept the punishment, including citizens of the nation itself. Had the punishment been lightened, who will abide the law in future; & where is the equality for those been executed?
I'd like to hear your say on this. It's okay for any awful ones.

~~~~~~~

Drug gamble ends with 6am hanging
3 December 2005, The Straits Times English(c) 2005 Singapore Press Holdings Limited

Australian Nguyen Tuong Van's body will be flown home to Melbourne this evening
NGUYEN Tuong Van first made it into the news on Dec 16, 2002.
A four-paragraph item in The Straits Times headlined 'Aussie caught with drugs', reported that the Australian national had been charged with drug trafficking after being caught four days earlier while in transit at Changi Airport.
That was the obscure start to this story. Three years on, the ending was anything but.
In the pre-dawn dark yesterday, some 50 newshounds from 35 TV channels and newspapers worldwide milled around outside Changi Prison, ready to report Nguyen's death to the world.
At 6am, there was a sudden stillness in the air. That was the hour when the 25-year-old was hanged.
His crime: trafficking in 396.2g of pure heroin - enough for 26,000 doses.
His twin brother, Khoa Dang, showed up outside the prison 45 minutes earlier, with lawyer Julian McMahon and eight friends in four taxis. After the media mobbed him, the entourage was let inside to wait in a room.
His mother, Madam Nguyen Kim, spent the morning at a chapel. Mother and son bade their final farewell the day before, when rules were relaxed, allowing her to hold his hands through a grille. She also touched his face and hair, according to Mr McMahon.
Such was the controversy over the case that the question of whether they could touch each other became a matter of national attention, meriting the intervention of the Australian and Singapore leaders.
Singapore - which, like other countries with capital punishment, does not allow such contact due to the trauma it could induce - made a concession for holding hands. It did so after taking into account a personal appeal by Australian PM John Howard to PM Lee Hsien Loong.
It seems it was not good enough. Mr Howard yesterday described the decision to allow just hand-holding as 'clinical'.
In Canberra, church bells tolled at 9am. Politicians and supporters of the hanged man lit candles and placed flowers outside the Singapore High Commission. One banner read: 'Oh Singapore, how could you?'
In Melbourne, Nguyen's hometown, there was a vigil at St Ignatius Church.
Back in Singapore, just after 10am, a hearse left the prison gates with Nguyen's body. Covered in a white shroud with a picture of the Virgin Mary on it, the body was later placed in a coffin for a service at the Good Shepherd Convent's Marymount Chapel.
His body will be flown home this evening.
That will likely bring an end to the frenzy of the last few days, as the Australian media camped here reported back to a home audience which was divided between those who supported the death penalty and those who did not.
But it was not just the media's show. The past few weeks melded into a supercharged drama of emotion, ethics and politics - of one country's decision to punish an offender for a crime committed on its sovereign soil, and another's desire to protect its citizen from what it deems as vengeful laws.
Mr Howard made five personal appeals to Mr Lee for clemency. Singapore stood its ground, defending its laws, which impose a mandatory death penalty on drug traffickers, be they Singaporeans or foreigners.
Some say the tenor of bilateral ties has been altered.
University of Western Australia academic Kenneth Morgan expects 'collateral damage'. He fears there will be Australians who will choose Qantas over Singapore Airlines, and those who will cut their Optus phone lines.
But official ties are likely to be sturdier, said observers.
'Singapore and Australia need each other,' said Prof Morgan. The two countries enjoy strong economic, military and security ties.
While Mr Howard said yesterday he would not encourage boycotts, he did not rule out the Nguyen case having an effect on people-to-people relations.
Hours before the hanging, a small group of activists lit candles near the prison.
Mr Jacob George, of the Singapore Anti-Death Penalty Committee, said that while 'most Singaporeans want the death penalty', a 'small minority is starting to speak out'.
But some, like marketing executive Lee Su Wei, 26, believe capital punishment is the key reason Singapore is relatively drug-free: 'This is the maximum sentence. It's the highest deterence you can mete out.'
Mr Howard hopes it will have that effect. As he told the media, the hanging was a 'message to the young of Australia' about the danger of peddling drugs.
Nguyen paid the price - with his life.

A WAKE-UP CALL TO THE YOUNG
'I hope the strongest message that comes out of this is a message to the young of Australia - don't have anything to do with drugs, don't use them, don't touch them, don't carry them, don't traffick in them. Don't imagine for a moment that you can risk carrying drugs anywhere in Asia without suffering the most severe consequences.'
-- AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER JOHN HOWARD, on the execution of Nguyen Tuong Van.

DEATH PENALTY IS A COUNTRY'S RIGHT
'Both our countries have got the death penalty, Other countries may not consider it appropriate but these are laws within our own countries. Everyone is entitled to his own opinion but this is the right of every individual country. If anyone breaks the law, they will have to face the consequences.'
-- MALAYSIAN FOREIGN MINISTER SYED HAMID ALBAR, rejecting complaints that Singapore's execution of Nguyen was barbaric.

A THIRD-WORLD ACT WHICH HURTS US ALL
'For a first-world country to be imposing a third-world penalty by executing this young man, it diminishes the lives of all of us. The Singapore Government must understand that killing this young Australian will not kill the fight against the mandatory death penalty.'
-- MR ROB HULLS, Attorney-General of Australia's Victoria State where the Nguyens live.

Dramatic lessons in just a day

2005-12-02T16:38:00.000+08:00

Worst Case
And it was this one that knocked me out hard, the whole day of yestd till now! N it’s going on n on.. (^n^) I’ve decided to ignore him for a month! Arrrghhh...stupidity, here I am.
I’ve actu sent him some souvenirs months back in Aug. Knowing westerner seldom has e opportunity to drink Chinese tea, I couriered 3 types of tea leaves, together with some other stuffs. Only recently I’ve remembered to get feedback fm him.

“Not yet but I’ll try it soon.” This was e first I’ve got in Oct.
“Hum.., I’m shifting back to my home so once settled, I’ll give it a shot. Or else u’ll get mad =P” This was heard in Nov.
And the final one, yestd, “Honestly, I don’t like tea.”

Doink..crashed!! For a long anticipation, hoping he’ll hv some liking for Chinese tea, even a tad would be nice, he said he doesn’t like it, at all! Not even bother to try either. I would appreciate if he’d tell me straight when I first asked that, I wouldn’t feel as bad as how I’m experiencing now. It’s so dumb n embarrassing to keep asking someone who isn’t keen on something for 3 months. It’s like he’s implying, ‘Hey, I’m don’t really give a damn care on those stuffs. So could u pls stop bothering me with that, anymore?’

I felt awful, disappointed and..perplexed....damn it! Albeit he’d thanked me for e effort n said will be keeping as friendship memento, I really hope my friends would like the gifts I sent them. Is not for the efforts I put in, but the thoughts I meant to make them happy with. Wouldn’t u feel satisfied seeing ur friends exult with gifts they received from you? Contrary, I’m not saying I insist them to like it. I’ll be despondent, nonetheless I’ll do a better job next time. The point here is he should have told me in the beginning, don’t let me carry such great hope with each given excuse.

But why am I so mad at him...have I overreacted? Frankly, I think I did, after blogging now. Anyway, I’m gonna hack the heaven care of him..for a month, I declared. And I’ve flared up a tad at him, telling I’m more stubborn than him. Unless he wanna start conversation with me, I can’t be discourteous to stay quiet right? Hem, that’s it. Promised.

~~~~~~~

Worse Case
I was going for an interview for a temporary post at a Sweden MNC. I’ve no formal footwear so I wore my mom’s. It’s slightly larger n I thgt I could ‘hand-le’, erm...‘foot-le’.

At e lobby of a bldg, I registered myself with e security. He caught my attention; thou he passed my IC back with the right, his left hand was tapped on his right elbow. That’s what I called good manner, very well indeed, for a security. I then went to press e lift button to go up to e agency, which recommended me e job. At this moment, an unexpectedly conversation started.

Security boy: Did you fell?
Me, smiling ineptly: Erm.. blisters..
Security boy: U need a plaster?
Me, smiling delightfully: Do u hv one??
Security boy: Oh yes!
Me, so so glad: Uhh..thanks!
(I limped my way to him while he got a plaster for me out of his first-aid kit.)
Security boy: Do u need a chair?
Me, grinning cheek-to-cheek: Not necessary, thanks.

With a last gratitude to him, I went up to the agency.
Yup, I couldn’t foot-le with that larger than life shoes.. *sob..sob...* I regretted not choosing e informal decision, my heeled flip-flops. Hummm... =( I continued to limp to e MNC by hopping into a cab. I’ll be late, to limp there.

Here, I reflected some things. Had I not met a nice security boy, I wouldn’t realize human resource (HR) personnel are inhumane. They are only concern with closing their cases for companies asap. Seeing me limping the way, Stephanie, my agent, didn’t even bother to offer plaster or empathy with my poor feet. What do they learn in HR, I wonder? Be cold, callous n insensitive and present an intellectually acceptable candidate to a position that needed that intellectual? Did they scrutinize closely if that is what e candidate is looking on or e co is seeking for? Nah, I don’t feel that way.

The jobscope as their accounts executive was far too much for me, esp when I’m back to school in Jan n be drowned w projects. Likewise, e MNC needed someone who could really focus well n fully for e 6-months contract. It’s an MNC my dear.

IR - Inhuman Resource Agency.

~~~~~~~

Case Study
I had a chat w e blur-looking 60-odd yrs cabby on my way. I actu started off a little n he carried on enthusiastically, describing his life, his family, their endeavor when needed to send his son to Aust for a 5-year architecture education. “Mm..ok..correct..ya..indeed..hum..agreed..yeah..huh..is it..ohh..” nodding my head all e way for half an hour. I did listen okay, except 1 or 2 parts. Uh!.. And this i said, “Be careful..” I’m e front passenger u see... oso, he was so engrossed w his living history..fyi.

When reaching, I told him I saw unit nos. 12,.16,..20 factories passed us on the left. (Bldgs at e right are all single digit units.) Mine’s at unit no. 19. I presumed we’ve missed it as I seemed to skip some bldgs while watching out for e units. I requested him to reverse. He finally understood what I meant for reversing back after repeating e fourth time. Taken aback slightly, he replied me, “Oh no, is not there. E bldgs there are all in even sequence. The odds should be at e other lane.” Contemplated a moment, hey.. he was correct!
In e end, he wanna charged me less than what was metered, I rejected, asking him to charge accordingly. After all, he saved me trouble to limp for another 15 mins to my destination, had I been more stubborn w what I believed.

Never belittled uncles with vague expression.

I became a momma's laughing stock after listening to my dreadful experience. sist too. hmmm...

Might be due to that...

2005-12-01T23:35:00.000+08:00

When we do some impractical stuff for him, it might be due that.
When he rebukes us for being unreasonable, it might be due to that.
When they feel that we are obtuse over a non-reciprocal feeling, it might be due to that.
And when we become conscious, it is too late.

Love & its stupidity.

Which Mythological Form Are You?

2005-11-27T17:30:00.000+08:00

You are Form 0, Phoenix: The Eternal.

"And The Phoenix's cycle had reached
zenith, so he consumed himself in fire. He
emerged from his own ashes, to be forever
immortal."

Some examples of the Phoenix Form are Quetzalcoatl
(Aztec), Shiva (Indian), and Ra-Atum
(Egyptian).The Phoenix is associated with the concept of life,
the number 0, and the element of fire.His sign is the eclipsed sun.

As a member of Form 0, you are a determined
individual. You tend to keep your sense of
optomism, even through tough times and have a
positive outlook on most situations. You have
a way of looking at going through life as a
journey that you can constantly learn from.
Phoenixes are the best friends to have because
they cheer people up easily.

Which Mythological Form Are You?

Growing up melancholy

2005-11-23T17:57:00.000+08:00

Will a child brought up by a single-parent better off than a complete family without love?

Dad had been job-hopping since she was born, no stable income. Had ventured into business operation but failed. Been jobless for years till now, and not an active houseman. A religious man with no responsibility; has a complicated but smart mind; keeps thoughts to himself. Is always gloomy n appears to suffer from slight depression. Rather strict too.

Mom’s the sole breadwinner. Is regretful over her marriage n apparently lack of love. An independent woman coping tediously with her work n family. Is now seeking some good returns from her hard work on raising her kids single-handedly. At times, this can be heard from her, “Inquire ur own conscience, is it right to do this to ur mom?” Not as knowledgeable as Dad, but has a contemporary frame of mind. Believes in independence; women can do pretty well without men. Hopes her kids get to learn skills that are beneficial throughout their lifetime.

Both chose to stay together for twenty odd years for their children’s sake. No doubt, negative remarks and squabbles between themselves ruined the image of a harmonious family. Miraculously, their kids turned out to be well-behaved but naïve due to their over-protection. One of them is a pessimistic daughter who normally suppresses her feelings. She is getting hopeless on her dad. Struggling very hard to respect him for some good values inculcate on her, and always attempted to cheer or counsel him, she is exhausting. She hates to see her dad being so cynical all day because he influences her pretty much. At times, contradiction sets in whenever she compares what she did for him n what he has done as a father n husband. She had hoped to grow up without a dad even. However, what will she become if no one instills right virtues on her? He’s not bad, just irresponsible n reclusive. Indeed, it’s an extremely, terribly, absolutely stressful feeling..very! Mom on the other hand has high expectation on her. Wanting her daughter to be witty, a graduate n filial, she has done it, except being witty. Still, she worries she’ll retire in loneliness n pathetically in future. She’s rather short-tempered so daughter has to nurture patience with her.. By right, she should be contented with such a daughter, however something’s missing still...

In spite knowing both of them did or is doing everything for their children, daughter’s is not happy with her family. Why? Perhaps both her parents are not genuinely contented with their life. They wanted a real long-term happiness. But how?

Meanwhile I was thinking hard - should a mother ask things in return from her kids for raising them up drearily? Isn’t this supposed to be fulfilled for the role as a mother? Shouldn’t mothers sacrifice without thinking things in return? Should the father be given the respect his child ought to give, for the lack of his responsibility?

Anyway, their children should learn to be contented with what they are enjoying now. Some people in the world do not own this much. No matter how much one owns, it’s just a passing time, an experience. Nothing is ours forever.

At A Loss

2005-11-17T16:10:00.000+08:00

This is my first weblog. Supposedly it should start off with something joyous. I don’t know if this is considered a blissful thing – I seem to have fallen for a Canadian online friend. We met at yahoo pool game. One year... we’ve been in contact for a year via msn messenger. He was an extremely chubby guy when I first knew him; almost thrice my weight! As he is always online from the evening daily, I thought he’s not outgoing n turn off to workout. One day, I encouraged him to do something about his unhealthy lifestyle. Chided by him, I stopped my preaching. I then thought, ‘gosshh.. is he’s really gonna be a bumper forever?’ Whatever it is, we carry on our conversation albeit the unsolicited advice. Gradually, he became sort of my daily online buddy as I’ll always see him on at my workplace (it’s evening at Canada - 13 hrs difference). He’s not what I thought as hostile n introvert. Contrary, he’s practical n a nice chap. Sharing rather similar personalities, we managed to click well as friends, platonic relationship I meant..really, I swear! Bcos I had some other one in mind then..

Months later, he told me he had shed great pounds..weighing a whole of me! I knew he has been heading to gym but I was stunned to realize he has actually been doing it daily. He told me he did it partly because of what I’ve said. Also, his dream is to become a policeman. Impressed by his perseverance, I continue to encourage n cheer for him.

There was this day, he slept later than norm. I was working in the office. He said he was thinking of someone. I was elated for that my friend has finally got himself in a real love net; he had a not-so-serious one during college. Trust me, I was thinking of another girl that he likes. As he went on telling me, saying....he got up from bed when she called... n..it’s complicated as they are 22 hours apart. Something stung me instantly, ‘is he referring to me??’ I wondered. In the midst of this speculation, I told myself couldn’t be..but the probability is high! I was confused.. not too glad but was feeling a tad thrilled in my heart still.

Next few days, I caught up with him on msn again. I asked him about his someone tactfully. He said the girl is residing in the west. It’s complicated as they are 15 hrs apart. Quirkily, disappointment set in. Nonetheless, I supported him that love defeats everything. Since she’s in his heart, he should not be dejected for the distance, physically. Well enough, they will be meeting during Christmas. Humm... it’s ok. just a little gloomy here..

I’ve resigned from my job in Sept for my exams. My focus from my work seemed to evolve into emptiness after my exams. I started to apprehend that humans need more attention when they are lonely. Please distinguish solitude with loneliness. They are two different things. A person who likes solitude is not afraid of loneliness. We have been chatting for longer hours since then. Lately, he told me he’ll make me proud – on his muscles-building plan. Out of nowhere, feelings started to develop. I suspected my heart has moved. I missed him... when I deliberately turned off for some days. And when I’m on, I was elated to see him. What’s going on? Am I feeling lonely or am I falling for him? Will this feeling pursue when I started to work again one day? I don’t know. But I’ll definitely download messenger at my workplace.

Again, I turned off intentionally this morning.