At A Loss

This is my first weblog. Supposedly it should start off with something joyous. I don’t know if this is considered a blissful thing – I seem to have fallen for a Canadian online friend. We met at yahoo pool game. One year... we’ve been in contact for a year via msn messenger. He was an extremely chubby guy when I first knew him; almost thrice my weight! As he is always online from the evening daily, I thought he’s not outgoing n turn off to workout. One day, I encouraged him to do something about his unhealthy lifestyle. Chided by him, I stopped my preaching. I then thought, ‘gosshh.. is he’s really gonna be a bumper forever?’ Whatever it is, we carry on our conversation albeit the unsolicited advice. Gradually, he became sort of my daily online buddy as I’ll always see him on at my workplace (it’s evening at Canada - 13 hrs difference). He’s not what I thought as hostile n introvert. Contrary, he’s practical n a nice chap. Sharing rather similar personalities, we managed to click well as friends, platonic relationship I meant..really, I swear! Bcos I had some other one in mind then..

Months later, he told me he had shed great pounds..weighing a whole of me! I knew he has been heading to gym but I was stunned to realize he has actually been doing it daily. He told me he did it partly because of what I’ve said. Also, his dream is to become a policeman. Impressed by his perseverance, I continue to encourage n cheer for him.

There was this day, he slept later than norm. I was working in the office. He said he was thinking of someone. I was elated for that my friend has finally got himself in a real love net; he had a not-so-serious one during college. Trust me, I was thinking of another girl that he likes. As he went on telling me, saying....he got up from bed when she called... n..it’s complicated as they are 22 hours apart. Something stung me instantly, ‘is he referring to me??’ I wondered. In the midst of this speculation, I told myself couldn’t be..but the probability is high! I was confused.. not too glad but was feeling a tad thrilled in my heart still.

Next few days, I caught up with him on msn again. I asked him about his someone tactfully. He said the girl is residing in the west. It’s complicated as they are 15 hrs apart. Quirkily, disappointment set in. Nonetheless, I supported him that love defeats everything. Since she’s in his heart, he should not be dejected for the distance, physically. Well enough, they will be meeting during Christmas. Humm... it’s ok. just a little gloomy here..

I’ve resigned from my job in Sept for my exams. My focus from my work seemed to evolve into emptiness after my exams. I started to apprehend that humans need more attention when they are lonely. Please distinguish solitude with loneliness. They are two different things. A person who likes solitude is not afraid of loneliness. We have been chatting for longer hours since then. Lately, he told me he’ll make me proud – on his muscles-building plan. Out of nowhere, feelings started to develop. I suspected my heart has moved. I missed him... when I deliberately turned off for some days. And when I’m on, I was elated to see him. What’s going on? Am I feeling lonely or am I falling for him? Will this feeling pursue when I started to work again one day? I don’t know. But I’ll definitely download messenger at my workplace.

Again, I turned off intentionally this morning.