Vipassana @ St. John's Island - Part I

Only after this retreat did I realized I’ve been living in the past for ten over years. And the past was amassed with many unhappy events. Previously, even though the image I projected to others was mostly happy-go-lucky, I was no less pessimistic than a depression patient. Well, it’s all because I kept dwelling on sorrows which I experienced at a tender age (thou I didn’t understand what was happening, I knew I always wore a sad face that even my teacher asked me to smile more), especially on my family matters. I believed the awful relationship of my parents brought most of the melancholy atmosphere at home and impacted me greatly. Eventually, the habit of reminiscing bad memories was inculcated. The more I dwell in it, the more sad I’d become and I cried easily. Thus, I chose to ignore any negative feelings that arose in order to spend each moment happily (I believe despondency is contagious). Thereon, whenever I sense unhappiness, reluctance, distress etc, I’d focus on things I enjoy. Thus, I’d be proud to say that I’m a ‘good accommodater’. But it was when I started working, I noticed I began to have expectations from my family: I wanted them to do the way I felt was correct. It created misery. I was wrong, to be self-centred.

Then, couple of years back, I returned to my rosary after sojourning since my teens. No idea what brought me back, I’m truly grateful for the growing interest in finding the truth of my life. Gradually, I’ve been participating retreats, not many but very influential, including this one, Vipassana. Dad had taught us meditation during younger days i.e. to focus on an object, the ‘cross-junction’ of the floor tiles, or our breathing. We would never be able to sit still for an hour then. I’d dragged myself to listen to dad and sit there so unwillingly. Yet, I was pretty interested in staring on the floor. Lol... probably anticipating something might happen by staring! Well, I seldom did well with breathing because it was rather boring to close my eyes and feel the breath and you know, in the end... zzz...

Hmm, not bad after all. Recalling some interesting stuff without feeling an inch of sadness. Okie, continue with the vital part some other day.

No regrets with the past; no worries about the future; having peace with the present - Happiness