Vipassana @ St. John's Island - Part II

I used to think meditation was just to sit and be attentive to your breath. Apparently now, it is so much more than that!

The gist discovery from the 10-days retreat was to feel the sensation that may arise in our body at any moment. We have to be aware of the feelings that surface, observe it, know what type of sensation that was until it passed away gradually. If unwholesome thoughts arise, same application: observe and detach yourself from those thoughts. Slowly, it will fade away.

I was rather slow on my first attempt to feel the breath under my nostrils. I just couldn't find my nose with the eyes closed thus I began to visualise my nose. Then, upon clarification with the teacher, I was wrong to visualise. I am required to feel the breath only. One of the students, my sleeping neighbour, was smart to touch her nose for that attempt. Like me, she couldn't feel her breath. So she touched her nose to locate it and gleefully began sensing her breath. Isn't her an alec? I felt stupid then.

At every stage, we would be invited to a group interview with our teacher. Teacher would query if we felt anything and the sensation observed. As most students could feel what sensation arose from the breathing stage, I said, "nothing, no sensation." Doink! I could see Teacher was taken a little back. She then asked if I knew what sensation was. "Hot, cold, numb, itch.." Feeling embarrassed and dumb, I learnt what were the sensation we need to observe then.

Subsequently, we commenced noting every sensation that arose from head to toes. It was very strenuous initially. My head felt so heavy and was exhausted before reaching the lower part of my body. Teacher then pointed out that I was too tense, ought to relax. Luckily, I was able to catch up in the end, albeit feeling frustrated and stress at some point. And ya, we must not expect any positive or desired results from meditating. Everyone has different sensation. Therefore, just observe and aware of the present moment.

One of the amazing thing vipassana could assist is to allow hidden feelings or sensation to surface. It can be suppressed anger, stress, unhappiness and so on. I heard from a friend that one student cried during the meditation. Guess past negative memories of hers had arose to mind that ignited her hidden senses. Vipassana also help us realise every sensation is a transient feeling. It always arise and passes off. Thus, one should not cling to happiness, satisfaction, anger, jealousy, hatred and whatever feelings. One ought to learn to detach ourselves from it.

I had asked Teacher, "Will one become an unfeeling animal since we should feel nothing on anything?" Because at times I found myself having no response on things which others do. She said, "One may act towards something that will not harm or create any unwholesome consequences to others and ourselves. But we should learn not react to it. React and act are two different things." Chim right. I feel so. Believe it takes time to differentiate these two terms. I also queried if one should not have expectations in life. She replied we can have but should not be attached to the expectations and its results. For this, I understood. Nothing belongs to us in the end. We should take things easy.

I discovered people around me are more sensitive over their own feelings than I do after this retreat. They can be wonderful vipa practitioners thus I'm trying hard to introduce to potential friends. I'm more aware towards my feelings now. I'm not that blur as before. As mentioned, I've been living in the past bad memories. Now, I must be present at the very moment! Sad to confess, I didn't practice day and night as advised by Mr Goenka. No time... I know, is an excuse. I promise I will try to do it after my final semester exam coming october.