I'm falling in a love without faith

I'm very puzzled with people who can love like the world is theirs. Do they really know the person they are with or going to live together for life? What if their unknown characters are revealed only after marriage, can they accept? Are they prepared to take care of them if they were to be disabled later in life?

I don't believe in BG love, besides family love. I see it as an unnecessarily thingy in life. Perhaps because I don't trust guys. They always go for looks and lust. It tough for me to see a guy's sincerity. But I like them as friends. They can be really nice pals - forthcoming and pragmatic.

Though decided not to get involved in relationships, which I never (officially) had before, subconciously I yearn for one. I'm like a goldfish in a sealed tank where the cats could not get me. I enjoy couples of attention from eligible guys but I avoid communicating with them as deeper understanding in each other will make the heart "move". I'll step back when they start showing interests in me. I know, I'm bad and fickle-minded however, I'm not pretentious, in the sense that they won't see the "perfect" me only.

A colleague of mine has acted some keenness in me. I shunned and treated him quite hostilely. I felt bad whenever he showed a despondent face. Thus, I compensated with some amiable interactions. Apparently, he is not a bad guy to other colleagues and friends. I just couldn't accept the physical proximity he wanna have with me. Know that some girls do have leeways, I prefer to communicate verbally with him. Well, as this happened sometime back, I've forgiven him for that; he didn't know. Since then, I decided to keep a distance from him, in a natural way. And to keep a distance away implies I'll have to take note of him. I've lost count on the no. of times he observes and gazes at me in the office (I feel uneasy yet need to behave unaffectedly - lethargic).

Lately, I've started to admire his forthrightness and pragmatic attitude. Knowing my heart has moved, I've been trying to grab it still. At times I almost wanna to let it fly, felt like confronting him for the truth. But pessimism stopped me; images of broken relationships and marriage halted my thoughts. On the other hand, pictures of wonderous courtship succumbed the negatives.

I can't make the first move, just couldn't. I tried to convince myself to live in the present and not guess about the happenings in the future, FAILED. I'm able to accept failures in other stuff but I've strong phobia in relationship. I need courage and faith and time. I'm confused.

How I wish he is able to understand how I feel.